The happiest day of my life was when I became a mom. The saddest day of my life was when our first born took his life. It was the day after my birthday. David was 38 years old and had two beautiful sons. I have cried so many tears since then, that I thought there couldn't be any left.
David came into our lives when he was about three weeks old. My husband and I were married two years and I still wasn't pregnant. One Sunday at mass, our Priest talked about how many children were in need of a home. So my husband and I discussed adoption, and shortly after, we applied. We had to jump through lots of hoops to qualify, but it was worth it. We prayed so hard that God would bless us with a baby. Nine months later, we got a call from the adoption agency saying that there was a baby boy, and would we want him. We were overjoyed. I quit my job and we went to pick up our precious baby boy. We fell in love with him the minute we met him.
David was a happy little guy. He was spoiled by all of our family, because he was the first boy born in both families. He loved to be around people and he always had lots of friends. He would do anything for anybody.
After David's passing, I was numb for days. I couldn't eat or laugh, and I didn't want to do anything. All I could do is cry. I worried that David wouldn't go to Heaven because he took his life. Some Christians believe that God won't accept you into his Kingdom if you take your life. I felt like I must had been a bad mother, why didn't I know he was so depressed? My daughter went to a survivors of suicide support group and thought a support group might help me. I knew I couldn't go on feeling depressed forever, so I joined, not one but two support groups for survivors of suicide (SOS). Then a good friend of mine, who lost her son in an accident several years before, invited me to join their group, the Pearlie Girlies. It is made up mostly of mothers who have lost a child. Without these groups, I don't know where I would be today.
When I was attending these groups, I didn't feel all alone anymore. I was with people who understood what I was going through. We talked freely about our child. Some of us talked about God, and some not so much. Personally, if I didn't believe in God, and knowing that I will be with David again someday, I wouldn't want to be on this earth any longer. That sounds pretty selfish since I have a loving husband, two lovely children and David's two sons whom I love with all my heart. We talked a lot about our loved one without being judged. We talked about how we felt, and how others handled the situation. I heard a lot of what ifs and if only I had. The groups helped me to find joy in life again, and I have a better understanding of how depression can affect people. My heart aches when I think about how hurt and alone David must have felt. I wasn't able to say goodbye or tell him I loved him one last time.
It will be twelve years this July that my precious David has been with Jesus. There's been a lot of ups and downs in those twelve years. I only pray that I will be with David when I leave this world. I can't wait to give him a big hug.
I read many books on suicide through my journey. I have kept a few thinking maybe my grandsons will want to read them. They are: Touched by Suicide by Michael F. Myers, MD and Carla Fine; Grieving a Suicide by Albert Y. Hsu; Standing in the Shadow by June Cerza Kolf; Aftershock by David Cox and Candy Arrington; Embraced by the Light by Betty J. Eadie.
I almost quit reading Embraced by the Light when I read this paragraph. "We must never consider suicide. This act will only cause us to lose opportunities for further development while here on earth. And afterward, in reflecting back on those lost opportunities, we would feel much pain and sorrow. It is important to remember though, that God is the judge of each soul and the severity of each sole's trials. Despair is never justified, because it is never needed."
My thoughts on this: When a person is severely depressed, they don't think of other opportunities. They are in so much pain (not like anything most of us have experienced) that they see only one way out of the pain. I think God does not punish those people. I like to think that God took David to care for him, knowing it was just too much for him to remain on this earth.