When a child dies, no matter what age, life is changed forever. Writing this 21 years and 4 months after my son, John, was killed, I will tell you I still have hard days missing my son ... not as many as early on, but they still do come occasionally. Please know there are also many good and happy days, though those took awhile for me to see.
My son, John, was a fun, kind, goofy and tender-hearted guy ... he would do anything to help others. He had a smile that lit up the room and a very charasmatic personality ... most everyone liked him. When he was young, he was never still ... always moving and giving his sister a hard time ... or getting in trouble because of her when he hadn't done anything wrong. Of course, the opposite situation never happened ;0)
He worked hard at all his activities in school and that continued when he joined the workforce. It was fun to see him excel in school activities, especially in the plays … and a few years later to see his joy at his wedding. Nearly two years after that, he was SO proud when his baby girl arrived. He patiently and joyfully cared for her when her mom worked days and he worked nights in the job he had previous to becoming an apprentice electrician. He was so absolutely in love with that baby ... he took her everywhere to show her off to his family and friends, always saying, "Isn't she sweet!!!" Someone asked him if they would have more children. John’s response was, “I have the perfect daughter now.” I love that boy always and forever ...
I adore both my children and with God's grace and mercy, we all made it through the growing up years. What a blessing it was to watch John become such a loving and wonderful father ... and then ...
John, an apprentice electrician, had a beautiful 14-month-old daughter and turned 25 just nine days before he was killed. He was at work on a warm, sunny winter day. A boom truck was parked at an angle in the ditch. The boom was being used to lift a block of concrete weighing about 2000 pounds … John’s job on the ground was to guide the concrete block to the right place, but there were obstacles there … the huge concrete block; the hole in the ground where it had been; a large bush; and guy wires. The ground was soft and the outrigger, that is supposed to keep the vehicle upright when using the boom, began to sink into the ground ... the truck tipped over … John had nowhere to run.
We think the bucket from the boom on the truck hit him in the chest and knocked him to the ground. There were witnesses to the situation at the stoplight nearby 
and they rushed to help, doing CPR. The paramedics came and took him to the hospital where the doctors prepared to do open heart massage, but they found his aorta had been torn away. John had met Jesus immediately when he had been hit by the bucket or knocked to the ground.
What can I say? My son, my firstborn, died. His little daughter grew up without the father who loved and adored her so much. John’s sister suffered years of hard times because her brother was killed. His dad still can barely talk about him ... I love to talk about John. But, where was God? He was right there with His arms wide open to give John a big hug and welcome him Home.
There are no answers in this world as to why. Only God knows the reason, but over the years I have learned that I don’t have to like the situation, and I don’t have to understand it, all I have to do is trust Jesus. Is that always easy … absolutely not … but, His grace IS sufficient. In the heartache, I do have peace.
The lessons I have learned after losing my son did not come all at once and not necessarily right away, sometimes it took years before I figured them out. But I know that I have never been alone in this. GOD has always been right by my side, even when I didn’t feel Him there. We cannot go by how we feel. Our feelings are just that … feelings. They are not always truth, but we can know that JESUS is TRUTH and we can … and must ... trust Him.
Another lesson I have learned is we must deal with our grief ... and be gentle with ourselves when it comes. It will be much harder if we try to deny the grief and run from it. I've heard it said that grief is the price we pay for loving. We will all deal with grief in a different way, even grief for the same person. Grief is personal. Don’t be afraid of it, just be gentle with yourself and accept it. Acknowledge the pain of hard days, allow yourself tears without embarrassment. Tears help our heart begin to heal.
Also, please realize, it’s ok to be happy, to smile, even laugh … if your grief is new, you may feel that there will never be anything to be happy about again. That is not true. There is still a lot of joy and happiness that awaits you. There will be lots of days when all you do is cry but days will come when you laugh until it hurts, just like you once did. And, that is good. Your loved one is not disrespected when you find joy and happiness. They would want you to be happy again.
There are so many things that could be said, but I want to focus on some of the scriptures that have made a difference in my life and are very precious for me.
2 Corinthians 4:18...
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
(My words on the above … don’t look at the circumstances, look at Jesus. I was blessed with a vision of my son and Jesus walking down a path … well, John never walked, he bounced … and he was smiling and talking a mile a minute like he always did ... Jesus was throwing His head back and laughing … they were both really enjoying each other’s company. I still see it just as if it were yesterday, I wish I could show you a picture.)
2 Corinthians 5:7 …
“We walk by faith and not by sight.”
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 …
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”
(Me again … you may feel destroyed after a tragedy of this magnitude, but you are not. You must continue on for yourself and others in your life. Please focus on Jesus, He will help.)
Psalm 139:16 …
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all my days were written in Your book and ordained for me before one of them came to be.
(I am comforted to know that this wasn't a surprise to God. He knew the day John would be coming Home before he was born, and Jesus had everything ready.)
John 16:33 ...
Jesus said, “In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
I know that without my relationship with Jesus ... my Lord and my Savior, my best friend … life since John was killed would have been unbearable. I don’t know if I would have made it. Jesus has made the difference. I believe that He is coming for his children soon* and I’m looking forward to seeing my Jesus first and then my son ... truthfully, for years I wanted to see John first ... I finally realized I was thinking selfishly ... now I truly do want to see Jesus first, He is the one Who is making it all possible.
*1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 ...
16For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a loud command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will be the first to rise. 17 After that, we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the LORD in the air. And so we will always be with the LORD.
Since John was killed, I have also said 'goodbye for now' to my Mom and my son-in-law as they made their way to our eternal Home. Those were hard, stressful and sad times, as well, and have their own stories. My two youngest granddaughters are now growing up without their Daddy just as John's little girl did. Challenging times for my daughter raising the girls alone, also for my oldest granddaughter who feels so sad for her young cousins losing their Daddy, too ... but Jesus ...
It won't be long until we're all together again. The next thing on God's prophetic timetable is the rapture of the church! (There are links regarding Bible Prophecy in our Helpful Links section.) Please be ready!!!
If you don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I encourage you to seriously consider doing so. I, and many of our group, would be happy to talk with you in the Garden of Caring Forum. You can also click here to find out more about that relationship.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story … I pray maybe you will be encouraged in some small way. Always remember that God is good all the time and He loves you ... that is forever.
With Jesus' love ... Because HE lives!
Anna
After-thought: When I was homeschooling my youngest granddaughters during the lockdowns, we always said the Pledge of Allegiance … not long after we began homeschooling, I felt I needed to first Pledge Allegiance to the Lamb … the song still rings in my heart … and by His grace, I will stand for Jesus.